Last Year/This Year
Last year I was a thief, a cheat, a lair and a bad mother, sister, daughter, aunt and girlfriend. I lied to everyone in my life that I cared about or that cared for me. Most of all I lied to myself, you're ok, one more won't hurt, you're not an addict and you can stop anytime that you want to.
I had two girls both born premie while I was using. I hate myself for what I did to them, but at the time I was sick both physically and mentally. I had to be pretty sick because I convinced myself that I had to use to keep from going into labor.
Every time that I didn't have the drugs I would go into labor and have to go to the hospital and they always used "Demerol" to stop the contractions. So I told myself that if I kept using I'd keep from going into labor.
It still didn't work both of my girls were born early. They didn't deserve what I did to them I made my choice but I didn't give them one. Now that I have entered Methadone treatment I can look back on the things that I have done to my kids, family, friends and my boyfriend and now I can try to fix my relationships with them. I have used them all for money, I wrecked a car that wasn't mine and it didn't have insurance at the time and that caused my boyfriend to get sued, my sister didn't want her step daughter to come visit my mother because I lived with her and I used and my dad has had to work to pay the bills and all I was concerned about was my next fix. I'm not like that now.
Now I get up take my kid to school, go dose and then I go home and take care of my two girls. I am now a better mother because of the help I've received at Walker Recovery Center.
My counselor, the nurses and the doctor are all trying to help me better myself. They offer us weekly client centered meetings and they have really helped me to understand that I have a disease that may not be cured but I can control it with help.
My goal is to get to where I no longer have to have a drug to feel like a normal person. Now I can hold my babies without feeling like my skin is going to crawl off. I no longer have to sleep off the night before, spend time hunting down money or a fix. That is valuable time now that I get to spend with my kids.
My relationship with my parents has gotten better. We aren't yelling and fighting like we used to. Me and my boyfriend who is also the father of my kids are trying to fix our problems, most of which were caused by me and my drug use.
Now since I choose to get help and I choose Walker Recovery Center for that help I have a brighter future with my kids, family and my boyfriend. Their dad really stuck by me through the bad and now we can work on having the good with our family.
The path that I was on a year ago was going to lead me to jail or to my death and at the time I thought that death was a good option. Now I am glad that I didn't take that path because I would of left my kids all alone with no answers and wondering if Mommy loved them.
I love them with all my heart and now I can be the mother that they need, want and deserve all because I decided to get help.
The help is out there for anyone that needs it. All you have to do is make the phone call and ask for it, which is actually the hardest part of the whole thing. I got the help mainly for my kids and it has turned out to be more for me and better for them.