A Thank You to Walker Recovery

When I first came to Walker Recovery, I was a complete mess. I came to Walker Recovery terrified, apprehensive, timid, and crushed. Scared because I had lost complete control of my life, apprehensive because I was scared of where my life was going, timid because I had no idea who I was anymore, and crushed because I knew I was no longer in control. I knew that I could not go on living like I had for the past year. I could no longer go on searching for thirty dollar pills in the morning to take mid-morning, searching at lunch for one to take in the evening, searching for some in the evening to take the next day. I couldn’t go to bed at night unless I had a pill in my hand. I can remember being so mad at my fiancé that I accused him of not caring about me because he wouldn’t go out at night to find me a pill. He was an addict, as well, however, he could still sleep and not worry about whether we had a pill or not. “We’ll find one in the morning,” he would always say. He didn’t understand. Oxycontins had completely taken over my life.
I had experimented with drugs since I was in high school. I NOW know that I using trying to escape the reality in which I was living. I was using not to mask my emotions, but as a way of controlling my emotions. Ask anyone who has been abused and raped, and they will tell you it is hard to accept reality. In fact, I was only five years old when I found myself in a psychologist’s office being diagnosed with anxiety attacks. As a teen, I found drugs as a way to escape. I had used just about every drug you could imagine, but I always had some control to quit. Oxycontin was completely different. In fact, when my fiancé and his friends first started using them, I tried them a couple of times, only to find that they made me sick. Since, I could quit the other drugs I had tried (I used cocaine, ecstasy, xanax, and somas in large quantities for long periods of time.) and I could quit, I thought the withdrawals that they felt were in their heads. As time marched on, I became very scared of oxycontins, because I watched it consume the lives of everyone I knew. When I first started using oxycontins, I was working, going to school, and a new mom. One day, a girlfriend of mine told me that I would have energy to study if I snorted a pill. I did. I was superwoman. I could study, keep the house clean, and take care of my child, or so I thought. I could go to class and to work and then hang out at night. I also felt that it brought my husband I closer together because I wasn’t shut out of such a big part of his life - his drug addiction. We bonded over how they made us feel. I really do not know when it went from casual use to using everyday. All I know is that I soon found out that withdrawals were not in people’s mind. I now understood that there ARE physical withdrawals to pain pills and they were not fun at all.
Soon, the excuse I used to start using oxycontins, started going up in smoke. I no longer went to class, I quit my job, I wasn’t being a good mother, and my fiancé and I were broke. All I had on my mind were pills. He would cash is paycheck on Friday; we were broke on Monday. Before I knew it, I had stolen thousands of dollars from my family and I had pawned everything I owned. Finally, I admitted to myself that my life was no longer under my control.
My husband and I made an appointment to enter Walker Recovery. The day we joined Walker Recovery’s program was also the day we married. We were going to try to get things back in order. At the same time, I thought it was the easiest way out. My husband lost his job after he left a rehabilitation program, so I didn’t have any insurance to go into a rehabilitation program. I thought I could go dose and leave and all would be okay. I did not realize that to continue in Walker Recovery’s program, I was required to attend private counseling sessions and group therapy. The first few weeks I reluctantly attended the sessions. I was just occupying a chair. I did not know myself like the others in group. Honestly, I was too afraid to take a deep hard look at myself. I was afraid of what I would find. I had no idea who I was. I was so beaten down by life that I thought my life was over. I continued to attend the private and group counseling sessions.
Then one day it happened. As the counselor was reading a story about a codependent woman, I began to listen. A light bulb went off in my head. I realized that the person they were talking about was me. Co-dependency was at the heart of my addiction. As an abused child, I had been taught to believe that I wasn’t worth the air I was breathing. I wanted people to like me. That is how I gained control in my life. Control was at the root of my addiction. That day, I went home and released all of my control to my higher power. That was the day, I received my life back. In order to gain control, I had to give up control. I had to admit that I was not in control. From that point my life began to change. I developed a close relationship with my counselor. I attended meetings every week. There were times in group when the counselor would make me cry. She would try to show me that most of the time, the reason I thought I was mad, sad, or unhappy, was not the real reason at all. I would get so mad at my personal counselor and the group counselor. The next day I would always realize that they were right. Slowly, my self confidence began to grow. Slowly, I started becoming stronger. Slowly, I started working the twelve steps. Slowly, I started working through the unresolved roots from my past, which led me to the decision to use.
Little did I know that Friday morning, what an important decision I was making signing up for Walker Recovery’s program. I had no idea of the profound impact it would have on my life. Through groups, I learned how to make healthy decisions, how to form healthy relationships, and how to cope without using. As I began to take my recovery more seriously, my life started to come together again. Sadly, my husband did not take his recovery as seriously and dropped out of the program shortly after joining. After a few months, we began to grow apart. I found that an addict in recovery could not live with an addict. We did not have anything in common anymore, but I now knew that I did not have to have a man to be complete. I was finally okay with being me.
I now have a job and I believe that I am a good mother. My son is my life. I am scared at even the thought of the type of mother I would be without Walker Recovery. I want my child to grow up and realize that I was a good mom. I don’t want him to have to go through the things I went through as a child. Walker Recovery’s counselors have empowered me with the knowledge that I am no longer scared that will happen. I know now that I have a choice.
The road wasn’t easy or instant, but things are coming back together. One day, I hope to be methadone free, but I know without Walker Recovery that I would be dead or in prison like all of my then friends were. Once, I thought I was doing so well, that I thought I would just leave the clinic. It didn’t work out too well. After about three months of being sober, I made a decision to use again. It was only two weeks before I again lost control.
This time, I am armed with the knowledge that I do not know everything. This time, I am taking my time. I realize that I still have a lot to work on. I realize that there are still some coping skills I need to learn. I realized that I need to learn to control my emotions, not let my emotions control me. I am learning how to question my emotions. “Why am I really becoming upset? Why am I so blue today? Is this situation reminding me of something else?” I am learning this and more group every week. Most drug addicts do not just decide to use drugs. There are underlying issues that drive them to the decision. I take full responsibility for my actions, it was no one else’s fault but my own, but there were some unresolved issues that made me unhappy. At the same time, I learned to take responsibility for my own actions. I learned that if I was unhappy, it was no one else’s fault but my own. I learned that I did not have to be a victim. I learned that in a sick way, being a victim was how I controlled others. Poor pitiful me! My personal counselor and the group counselor did not think I was so pitiful. They made me take a long, hard look at myself. I am so thankful for them. They also taught me, that what other people think of me would not upset me, if I did not believe it. For example, if someone tells me that I’m fat, I would not be angry with the person who made the statement, if I did not believe it somewhere deep inside myself. I learned that I cannot control other people, but it is my responsibility to control myself!
Once, I was at 85 milligrams, now I am only taking 29mg. I’m optimistic, but I am also aware that I am still a work in progress. Walker Recovery provides a way for a person to regain control of his life, while working on the bigger issues.
Thank you so much Walker Recovery for giving me my life back. I now have earned my family’s trust again. I’m not embarrassed to pick my son up from school anymore. When I was using, I was too ashamed to enter a church, but now I am involved in church once again. In fact, the Sunday after I joined the clinic, I rededicated my life. My life is completely different. I have a wonderful job and I can go to work without looking for a pill. I can once again hold my head up high. I just cannot thank you enough. My personal counselor and the group counselors have taught me so much. I have learned that I cannot control other people.
The biggest life lesson I believe I have learned is how to forgive. It is such a freeing experience. I learned that being abused as a child and being raped as a teenager really did not have anything to do with me. I did not cause it. I have learned that it had something to do with the perpetrator: something about how he was raised, something about how he was taught, and something that was going on in his life. It did not have anything to do with me. My past does not have to define me. Through this experience, I have learned to look a people through different eyes. I always wondered how you went from a “recipe” for forgiveness to actually believing it, but I now know how. I have also learned the most important thing, how to forgive myself. My life is worth fighting for. I am worth putting forth the effort to remain sober. I am worth bettering my life. I would never have learned this important lesson without you. Thank you ever so much! There is not enough paper in the world to thank you for everything Walker Recovery has taught and given me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Love Always,
An addict

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